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"Regret"Part 9 in the "War Torn arc"Written By: ShenLong Disclaimer: I don't own the G Boys. They belong
to their respective copyright companies. I just borrow them from time
to time to play with and return them a lot happier. Ne? :) Also I
do not own the song "A Simple Life" it belongs to John Farnham
and as such all rights are his. Rating: R. Warnings: Angst, POV, Lime hints, Song Fic Notes: Trowa has figured out his feelings for Quatre and the couple have settled into a life together but Trowa becomes restless as Quatre's business seems to take up more and more of his time leaving Trowa out in the cold. Authors Notes: This is the ninth in the War Torn Arc. The arc now moves onto the relationship between Trowa and Quatre. This one is from Quatre's POV. Summary: Quatre does some serious
thinking and finally understands what he really wants. He heads back
to L3 in hope that Trowa will still be willing to give him a second
chance. Archive: www.gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com // Denotes song lyrics //
" Regret" Aug 2003 ShenLong
~ Quatre POV ~ I stare unseeing out of the shuttle window as I speed through the darkness of space, back to L4. My mind is turning over, most of the past few days events blurring into a mass of meetings and speeches, none of which I could clearly recall. None except for one. "Trowa." I whisper your name as my fingertips caress the re-enforced shield that protects me from the black void beyond. But what is there to protect me from myself? // Show me the magic I sigh as I lean back in my seat and close my weary eyes, the throbbing in my temple refuses to go away as I drift off into a restless slumber. Scenes play behind closed eyelids, laughter, sunny smiles and freedom. Days gone by where we shared so much come back to haunt me, remind me of what I no longer have. I whimper. The dreams change again and I can see you walking away, sad look upon your sweet face as I refuse again to join you in some activity, preferring instead to remain at my desk. Like the aged classic 'A Christmas Carol' so I see my own life mirrored in my dream. //I turned around, everything's changing but me Disgusted, I throw the violin to the bed, tears welling in my eyes as I fight the frustration. The music that once flowed from my fingers like a stream has become a trickle, dammed by the emptiness inside. Without you here my song has no meaning, no heart. I sink to my knees, unheeding of the rough carpet against my bare skin and sob my pain to the furniture. I stare at the ceiling as the wetness graces my cheeks, the ache in my heart unbearable. As my tears slow so I am able to think once more, and what I find in my head does not please me. I cast my memory back to happier days and begin to see clearly what I had.... ... and what I lost. I thought I was moving with the times, growing and developing along with everyone and everything else, but now, upon reflection I can see I was wrong. The relationship we shared was new and tentative, each day dawned just for us to explore and share and as each stage evolved, so the need to move to the next level was heightened. You took those steps, you moved with the changes. But I didn't. //Once there was heaven in my eyes Sadly I recount the way my life has developed. Our relationship was blooming, so why did I not grow with it? I search my mind for the answers and find only one. Selfishness. I didn't need to grow, I was there already. I allowed myself to become immersed in the business, thinking I could make a difference, develop the company, play the part of the astute business man, but while in one way I succeeded, I also lost. Before I knew it the company had taken over, it ruled my every waking moment, dictated my day to day existence, took away the heaven from my life. // Somebody show me how to Frustrated I pound my fist against the floor. "Why?" I scream to the heavens above. "Why me? All I ever wanted was to be happy! To enjoy life and peace to the fullest without the complications!" My sobs return unanswered. //Out of the blue, temptation's all around me Believing I had no choice but to take my place as the heir, I blindly allowed myself to be manipulated. I heeded only my family and advisors. I should have listened to my heart. // I danced with the darkness I jumped in head first, throwing myself into the daily running of the business, pushing myself to the limits with my new found *power*. There wasn't anything that I couldn't achieve. You tried to keep up with me, I see that now. You tried to warn me, but I was deaf to your pleas. The softly spoken words you used were completely ignored and then written off as jealousy. I grind my palms into my eyes, the saltiness of my tears reaches my mouth and serves only to remind me of the bitterness of loss. The fall was long and hard.... You weren't there to catch me. // Once there was heaven in my eyes I stand upon the balcony and gaze into the night sky, searching for something, knowing in my heart what is right but convincing my mind is another matter. // Somebody show me how to I turn and wander back inside, past the large bed, not sparing it a glance as the pain of loss is still too great; onwards until I am standing in the large, plush bathroom. I face the mirror and take in the reflection. The features that stare back at me are mocking, taunting, sneering at a being that, that is too weak to admit his failings, too weak to answer the question, too weak to face the truth. It hurts. "Trowa...." // 'Cause I've done my time in paradise Gazing mutely into those teal pools I search for the answer I already have. My mind runs in circles as it figures out finally just what it is I want from my life, the curtain is lifted and the path becomes clear. With slow understanding I listen to my heart and accept what I know to be the truth. The business, no matter how candy coated it appears to be, regardless of the pressures placed upon the CEO, will continue to prosper and blossom, whether I am there to see it or not. It isn't worth throwing my chance at happiness away over. // Somebody show me how to With my vision now clear I can see what it was you were trying so desperately to show me, what I didn't want to see, fearing the truth. I was being used. I realize that now. A plan forms in my head, one I know I can implement, one that will ensure that I not only continue to chair the company but will allow me the life I wish to have. The pain in my heart shifts as another sensation pushes forth. I welcome it. Peace. //Stars keep me going The controls feel familiar in my hands as I pilot the shuttle craft. While it will never be my beloved Sandrock, it is adequate enough for my current purpose. I set the auto pilot and watch the stars from the window, the soft pale glow of the moon is visible and bathes the way for my tiny craft to follow. The speed exhilarates me and for the first time since I can remember I feel.... free. //Looking for the way back Having docked the shuttle I proceed to the main gates of the shuttle port, determined more than ever to see this through. As I make my way through the streets of L3, I cannot help but recall the earlier conversation. The hope that things could be salavaged, a second chance given, were heightened with the woman's information, but there was an undercurrent. I had been warned. Hurt him again and face the wrath. Being dismembered by an irate female was not on my list of priorities. // Somebody show me how to I pause at the huge archway and swallow hard. I refuse to back out now. All I have ever wanted, my hopes, my dreams, my entire life is on the other side of that archway, and I will be dammed if I will let it slip away a second time. I find you where I knew you would be. "Trowa." // 'Cause I've done my time in paradise Your soft emerald gaze rests briefly upon my form and I can't help but notice the look of pain that passes through them. It tears at my heart and I welcome the agony, knowing it is a small price to pay for the hurt I have inflicted upon your soul. "Forgive me, Trowa." You straighten but do not speak. "I was wrong. I can see that now. Please.... Can we try again?" I see the flash of distrust followed by a glimpse of hope and allow myself the moment to dream that it will all be okay. "Let's talk." I give a small smile and follow you to the trailer. // Somehow the grass was always greener Several hours later my voice is hoarse, but my spirit is light. I have made my confession, admitted to my mistakes and begged your forgiveness. I have explained myself and my actions to the best of my knowledge, wincing at the hard truths of my behavior, the full understanding of the hurt my selfishness caused you coming home to me with startling clarity. It took the pain of loss and a bartender to make me open my eyes and take a good long look at myself. What I found disgusted me and I vowed to change. I can understand your hesitance and I promise you anything and everything if you will only give me a second chance. "I love you, Trowa. I can't live without you." // Once there was heaven in my eyes You stare at me, silent for the longest moment. I bare my soul to you in my eyes. Can you see how miserable I am? Can you see how torn I feel? Without you I cannot exist. When you walked away you took my very being with you and while it has taken me this long to see it for myself, I can only hope you will come back to me, let me love you the way you should be loved. // Somebody show me how to I hold my breath as you reach out a hand and place it upon my cheek. I lean into the touch, tears fall like diamonds but shatter like glass as they connect with the floor. Slowly your face nears mine, I cannot read your eyes as you keep them neutral. My heart pounds in my chest until I feel it will surely leave my body. Your lips gravitate to mine and I part in silent invitation. The RSVP is given with a tender brush before locking to mine and questing forth. I welcome your tongue as a thirsty man would welcome water, the familiar, yet new sensations sending my stomach plummeting and my heart flying. You slowly pull back and now I can see the forgiveness I crave deep in those emerald jewels. "Thank you." My voice is hushed. "Thank you for showing me the way." You smile. The peace is overwhelming. ~ oOo ~ |
